I was planning on posting about all of the events of 2015, but I felt I first should start with what I did not think at this point in my lifetime would happen.
I was awoken by my alarm clock to get dressed and take my medication before heading out to a Doctor’s appointment of which I was dreading. I have been dealing with an ongoing problem and it’s been difficult dealing with doctors. I instantly took my phone to see what notifications were left for me overnight (an occurrence that happens more when I am asleep than awake). I looped over to Facebook and saw one of my good friends Kristin post David Bowie’s Let’s Dance video, I have a deep connection with that song as when I was still dancing, that was one of my favorite songs to put on while doing so. This post made me smile, but as I continued to scroll through the feed, I saw all of these posts about David’s death. I was taken aback thinking it was a hoax, internet trolls like to target big stars everyone loves, but official news networks confirmed it.
I felt an extreme emptiness. An emptiness I had not felt in a log time. But this time is was a painful emptiness and anger. A man who had captured my heart as an infant has lost an eighteen month battle to Cancer, a devil that my own Dad beat and is going for his I believe six year clearance check-up in Jacksonville, FL. I cannot thank the Proton Therapy Doctor’s of University of Florida enough for their continuation of research, treatment, and experimental work with people of all types of malicious Cancers. David’s death devastates me because with all of the advances, we still cannot get rid of this demon, this parasite that has taken the lives of people we love. But, what I must acknowledge of David’s death is the pure fact that he was a graceful fighter, who knew his fate, yet would not let this ailment take his art, he died making art and completing his artistic journey.
I have been in tears all morning when I am alone, I don’t want anyone to see my grief. But, I know my mourning will eventually show itself publicly in some way, and I apologize if I am short tempered.
I would like to share my story of my life journey with David Bowie as an inspiration. Since I was an infant he was a pop culture presence in my life. As a child I religiously watched Labyrinth with my older brother Sam. I would dance and sing to every song. I’d play the opening credits with the creepy owl to freak out my brother. And during my Ballet and Modern Dance training years I would play his songs on repeat, especially Let’s Dance. I choreographed my own ballet steps to Let’s Dance and always dreamed of performing it as a Pas De Deux. I would sing Queen’s Under Pressure, both David and Freddie’s parts in my bedroom. To this day I sing his songs in the car, they cheer me up, and they energize me! I aspire to be brave like him, talented like him, and humble. I’ve dreamed my whole life being on stage performing, wearing the most out of this world glittery, spandex, ruffled, high chroma colored costumes just as I saw David wear. I still want that, I always will, and will always be working for it. I can no longer pursue a professional career in Ballet or Modern Dance, but it would not have worked well with being a singer/songwriter anyway, my dancing will come to play in another way. David is one of many people who have given me inspiration and courage to be myself, to dream, to keep going even if no one cares, even if the world thinks I’m the biggest weirdo on the planet. I was born knowing I am weird and if we are born weird, we need to own it, rock it, and enjoy it!
I know that David is in heaven and living in an eternal bliss, but I am still selfish and want his physical presence on earth. It’s sad to know my future children will not know him in their life as a living person, they will only have this idea of who he was. While they don’t have to feel the effects of knowing what it’s like for a person you respect to pass on, I feel experiencing his career and wisdom in real time is worth the pain of losing him, there is so much to learn from the living. Every time I watch one of Patti Smith’s interviews, I really cherish the opportunity because one day she will be gone too, and the words or wisdom she has will no longer be, they will be in memory and re-run of old videos, but it will never be current and in the now again. Those moments are absolutely precious.
In addition to this, I am jealous of all the celebrities posting online their pictures with David, I will never get to meet him in my life on earth, know him personally, or have the pleasure of working with him. I hope these people cherish the moment they had and don’t use it as some kind of badge of superiority, David is a human being, not a pop-culture puppet. Please respect his memory.
I wish his family nothing, but healing and happiness through the loss of such a wonderful person.
These are two of my favorite songs off the BBC recording of which is the best!!!! I love the BBC recorded performances, they are intense and really show off the artists passion!
Moving onto an update on my personal work,
I have completed the 11 paintings in my series Miss America Deconstructed and have started working on new illustrations that are about lounging and sleeping. Here are some of the works, also my website has been updated. www.johannafalzone.com I will update the blog more in-depth later this week on 2015, my health, work, etc. But, at this time I have sketchbooks to finish constructing and I am still trying to wrap my head around David’s death. I need to meditate for a bit and eat lunch.
Johanna
Johanna Falzone 